My Vicky Life

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Dec 3

I Give Up

That guy I’ve been writing about - the one with the BDSM blog I’ve been struggling to understand - well, just now I saw a picture he posted that upset me so badly I can’t stop crying. I give up. I just completely give up. I really, really tried, but I still fail to see how things like that can be rooted in anything other than fear and hatred of women. The fact that, as he claims, these women want to be treated this way, is irrelevant. The only thing I can imagine that could be worse than what I saw on that blog today is female circumcision. I know it’s my own fault for looking, and I swear I will never go there again, but this thing is fucking with my brain so badly I don’t know what to think anymore. The last time I saw him (a week ago), I asked him point-blank how the things on his blog could possibly represent anything other than sheer misogyny, but he evaded the question and talked his talk to me in his warm, soothing voice, and I crumbled into a million pieces. I can’t say I’m ashamed of that, because I really thought that once we’d finally consummated this inexplicable thing that’s been going on between us for the past year, I’d be able to understand it better, but unfortunately it didn’t have that effect at all. I did feel relieved at first (especially since I think he went relatively easy on me in terms of his predilections, and for the most part he was actually pretty awesome), but now I’m just so sad and even more confused than ever. It makes me wonder how many other people I know in real life who are all sweetness and light on Facebook, and with friends at the local pub, but who also have a dark, sadistic side that no one but a select few know about. How do I suddenly stop liking them, even after I find out they have ideas about things that (at least in my mind) just aren’t okay? How does a person’s sexual sadism keep from spilling over into other aspects of his life, or is it precisely what enables him to function “normally” in the daylight? How do I stop wanting someone I’m hotter for than I’ve ever been for anyone ever in my life, even though I don’t think I could bear the things he might want to do to me if we saw each other again? And here’s the biggest question of all: Am I guilty of two-dimensional thinking? Because if that’s true, then that would be worse for me than any of the rest of this. Why is this stupid thing happening to me, and why can’t I just let go of it and stop crying and be an adult? I don’t think I cried this much during my entire divorce. Maybe if I cry tonight, I can let go tomorrow, and then somehow figure out what, if anything, to tell him if I get the chance. Christ, I’m too old for this shit.