My Vicky Life

RSS

Posts tagged with "BDSM"

so whatever happen to your "friend"? Are you still friends?

Anonymous

My dear Anonymous, I think so. But even if the “issues” I’ve blogged about didn’t exist and he and I were perfectly compatible, it’s unrealistic to think there could be anything serious between us. He just started a new life in another city, and in spite of the unfamiliar surroundings, I presume he knows how to find women who share more of his preferences than I do. I can only imagine he’s done so already, and that’s as it should be.

My one incentive to try to stay on his radar is that what little we’ve shared that some would consider “normal” was about a thousand times better for me than it has ever been with anyone else. Even the parts that weren’t really “my thing” weren’t entirely un-enjoyable, simply because it was his voice in my ear and his kisses afterwards. With anyone else I’m sure I would have completely lost my mind.

I do still struggle with the images on his blog, and I’m trying not to look at them so much. I text him every now and then, and he always sends a sweet reply, but other than that I don’t hear from him. So all I can do is wait until the next time he’s in town and see what, if anything, happens then. I suppose if I were still on Facebook I’d have some idea of when that might be, but I honestly think I’d rather not know.

I have to say I was surprised by your interest, and I thank you for it. ♥

Jan 1

This is your blog, not your followers, feel free to post or express anything in it you choose. But since you are moving this to another blog I will respect that and not post anything else on this subject of your friend here on. Just a teeny general note. I hope you may find it in your heart to still love and cherish this friend despite his kinks. Nobody is our version of perfect and if you care about him as much as you've expressed then I wouldn't cut him off. That's all. Namaste.

Anonymous

Anonymous, you are the best. Since your message is as much about friendship as anything else, it’s not out of place here. I do still love him, maybe now more than ever, and I hope he won’t give up on me now that I’m finally starting to understand him better, and to discover some surprising things about myself as well. Actually, I’ve already kind of put that other blog on hold. I think I’ve been doing way too much talking and thinking, and even though I still have many questions, it’s time just to breathe for a bit. Let’s see what the new year brings. ♥

Jan 1

Forgive me, kinksters

I’m coming along. Really. The other day I’d reached a crisis in my struggle to understand my friend and his BDSM blog. I asked for help. A few of you answered. It seems I ruffled a few feathers, which I hope you now realize was not my intent. I was pretty sure, though, that I’d finally managed to alienate my friend for good. Not so, to my surprise. He called, he came over, we went through his blog, picture by picture, gif by gif, and he patiently explained. I cried a lot. There are things I still can’t comprehend. So, I’m moving this topic to a new blog of my own, where I hope you’ll continue to offer your advice. I’m not going to link to it. You’ll find it by its tags. Its other purpose is to relieve my followers here from having to put up with my bullshit sex hang-ups. I beg these people’s forgiveness as well, and promise to get back to the music.

Part 2: might have to respecfully say u are not into that kind of lifestyle or play an that u would like to just stay vanilla and be friends maybe. I dont know the situation romanticly between u two so that might not be possible. But all i ask is dont sprea the poison that someone is wrong or fucked up because they like bdsm. When done correctly it can be a freeing and amazing thing.

Oh, please, please, please don’t misunderstand. (Here I am all teary again.) I don’t think that someone is wrong or fucked up because they like BDSM. If that’s what I thought, I would have walked away long ago without even making an effort. It’s just that I still haven’t been able to wrap my mind around certain things, and I can’t help or anticipate or avoid the emotions that get stirred up inside me when I see these things depicted on his blog. Actually, the words you’ve used - “pet play” - are helpful. When you put it that way, I can maybe almost see it. This is precisely why I’ve put all this out there - not just as a self-indulgence, and certainly not as a condemnation of BDSM, but as a way of tapping into the wisdom of those who know more about it than I do.

As for your "problem" the only problem is that ur not into it. Hes not a bad person for liking bdsm or pet play or master/slave relationships if done right and both parties are consenting then theres nothing wrong there. U seem to have given it a try and u didnt like somethings an somethings u did seem to like. If ud like to keep talking to him do so, maybe talk tohim about what u like and dont like. What ur limits are and maybe even things ur open to try. If he doesnt understand then yes u

Part 2 of this message in next post…

About this problem you're having with this "friend" If I were you I will walk away. I was once in a similar situation and lets just say it did not end well. I say keep walking and don't look back. He will not change and you will never understand even when you try. Just for curiosity where can I find his blog? I hope I was able to help. Happy New Year

Anonymous

It’s possible the decision to take your advice will be made for me, since I messaged him about my current distress and haven’t heard from him since. The reason it’s difficult to walk away is because we were friends for more than a year before I even knew about his blog. For all I know, there may be other people in my life with preferences similar to his, and if I start judging them on what they like to do with consenting partners in the privacy of their own bedrooms (or dungeons, as the case may be), I fear I might end up with few friends left. Anyway, I’m sorry your situation didn’t end well, but you seem to be free of it now, and I hope the new year brings you many good things. Given what you’ve said, though, I’m a little confused by your interest in his blog. You’ll have to forgive me for hesitating to point to it. Even if I have trouble with its content, I feel like I have to respect its anonymity. As you well know, here on Tumblr, there’s nothing more precious than that.

What’s one more failure this year?

One of my previous posts on this topic was titled, “I Give Up,” but you didn’t think I’d really give up that easily, did you? Of course I’m referring to my friend with the taste for all things sexually sadistic (so consider this the NSFW alert before you keep reading).

In my continuing struggle to understand his lifestyle, and to cope with the cruel joke that prevents us from having a mutually satisfying physical relationship with each other, I decided to try a new approach. I thought I could just agree to disagree with him (at least in my own mind) about the things he posts on his BDSM blog. For a while it worked. We texted, we talked on the phone, I baked him a cake for his birthday, we managed to maintain a tentative friendship. Although I’d said I wouldn’t, I kept looking at his blog. It’s such a big part of his life I didn’t see how I could shut it out entirely, and you can’t un-ring a bell. Eventually, with the help of some candid correspondence from a knowledgeable third party, I got pretty close to understanding (though not sharing) the desire for pain, and maybe also the desire to inflict it, even within the context of a caring relationship. But I still couldn’t figure out the mind-game part of it - the discipline, the rewards, the punishment, and especially the degradation. So it’s not surprising that, of all the grotesque images I’ve seen on his blog - women suspended in horrific contraptions, tied up in hideous positions, being flogged, gagged, beaten, prodded with electrical devices, and subjected to all manner of torture and violence - the one picture that finally got to me, the one that reached me on a gut level so deep that I began weeping uncontrollably before my brain could even fully process it, was a simple gif of two women drinking out of dog bowls. So evidently I would rather see a woman being physically abused (if that is, as he claims, what she wants), than see a woman lapping up water out of a dog bowl whether she wants to or not. But that’s just me.

So, if I’m not making any progress in understanding him, then at least, for the first time, it looks like I might be making some progress in giving up. The last time I resolved to do so, not only did I fail miserably, but we actually ended up having sex. So you can’t say I didn’t really try to understand him. I withstood the pain (which I’m sure he significantly tempered based on his awareness of my apprehension, and I’m thankful for that), but it was the other stuff - the “training,” the withholding of kisses until I exhibited the correct behavior, etc., that I found most difficult to deal with, benevolent though it was. When I told him I didn’t quite get the role-playing thing, he tried to explain that there isn’t any. I argued, “Of course there is. I’m supposed to be the good little girl.” To which he replied, “But you are a good little girl.”

Yeah, I wasn’t so sure about that one. Nevertheless, and worst of all, the mind-game worked. Just when I thought my brain would crack, he did reward me with something more in line with my vanilla tendencies, and I loved it. Okay, TMI - so suffice to say I was still confused, but feeling a whole lot better. But then, today, dog bowls, and for the first time, I don’t know how or if l will respond if I hear from him again. Well, knowing me, I’ll probably respond, but I don’t know that I’ll be jumping for joy like I have in the past. I’m angry. At him, at myself - I’m not sure. But I’ve been angry before.

So, progress? Or total failure all around? The jury’s still out, and the end of the year is fast approaching. So, if I’m going to fail, I’d really like to do it within the next couple of days so that I don’t start the new year off on the wrong foot. Any advice between now and 12:01 a.m. on Tuesday will be considered and greatly appreciated (with allowances for those in more westerly time zones). Just so you know, I’ve already received the “fuck him” directive, but unfortunately there’s more than one way to take that. 

Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.

- Carl Jung (via moonbrains)

In response to my posts about this thing that has been troubling me so deeply, I’ve received a lovely series of messages from a very articulate young dominatrix (and I hope she’ll forgive me if I’m not using the correct terminology). If nothing else, she has helped me to realize I’m not insane, although now that that’s established, I’m still unsure of what to do. Here’s what she advises, which I’m sharing on the chance it might be useful to others:

"First and foremost, there is NOTHING wrong with not being into it. Whoever this is should know that it isn’t even fun to dominate someone who isn’t enjoying it. BDSM as a whole is taxing. It’s dangerous. And it can mess with your mind like crazy. And honestly, there have been many times I wished I wasn’t into it. But I am, it’s who I am. And I really, truly do enjoy it. But if it’s not who you are, it’s not worth it. You will end up with mental scars you do not want.

I understand that it might be difficult. And, if both of you are willing to compromise, you might be able to work it out. But do not, please, do not get involved yourself in BDSM activities if they aren’t right for you. You’ll only get hurt, and I’m talking emotionally.”
Dec 8

Et tu?

I think I’ve finally figured out what’s still bothering me about this guy I’m trying to get over and this whole BDSM misadventure. I can’t go the way he wants me to go, but I don’t think I remember the way back to vanilla either, which leaves me pretty much nowhere. Sexual no man’s land, and it’s cold as a witch’s tit out here.

So I’m sitting here trying to think of something to do that might cheer me up, and suddenly I realize I forgot to watch Big Bang Theory this week. I bring it up on my computer, and what happens? Amy discovers she likes to be “disciplined.”

What the fuck is happening in my world?

Dec 3

I Give Up

That guy I’ve been writing about - the one with the BDSM blog I’ve been struggling to understand - well, just now I saw a picture he posted that upset me so badly I can’t stop crying. I give up. I just completely give up. I really, really tried, but I still fail to see how things like that can be rooted in anything other than fear and hatred of women. The fact that, as he claims, these women want to be treated this way, is irrelevant. The only thing I can imagine that could be worse than what I saw on that blog today is female circumcision. I know it’s my own fault for looking, and I swear I will never go there again, but this thing is fucking with my brain so badly I don’t know what to think anymore. The last time I saw him (a week ago), I asked him point-blank how the things on his blog could possibly represent anything other than sheer misogyny, but he evaded the question and talked his talk to me in his warm, soothing voice, and I crumbled into a million pieces. I can’t say I’m ashamed of that, because I really thought that once we’d finally consummated this inexplicable thing that’s been going on between us for the past year, I’d be able to understand it better, but unfortunately it didn’t have that effect at all. I did feel relieved at first (especially since I think he went relatively easy on me in terms of his predilections, and for the most part he was actually pretty awesome), but now I’m just so sad and even more confused than ever. It makes me wonder how many other people I know in real life who are all sweetness and light on Facebook, and with friends at the local pub, but who also have a dark, sadistic side that no one but a select few know about. How do I suddenly stop liking them, even after I find out they have ideas about things that (at least in my mind) just aren’t okay? How does a person’s sexual sadism keep from spilling over into other aspects of his life, or is it precisely what enables him to function “normally” in the daylight? How do I stop wanting someone I’m hotter for than I’ve ever been for anyone ever in my life, even though I don’t think I could bear the things he might want to do to me if we saw each other again? And here’s the biggest question of all: Am I guilty of two-dimensional thinking? Because if that’s true, then that would be worse for me than any of the rest of this. Why is this stupid thing happening to me, and why can’t I just let go of it and stop crying and be an adult? I don’t think I cried this much during my entire divorce. Maybe if I cry tonight, I can let go tomorrow, and then somehow figure out what, if anything, to tell him if I get the chance. Christ, I’m too old for this shit.

I’m amending my earlier post:

"A Book of Verses underneath the Bough,
A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread—a Bottle of Advil—and Thou…”

Nov 5

Sigh

I thought I was feeling better, but that thing I blogged about yesterday is still upsetting me. I think what’s most troubling is simply the fact that I lost a friend, by my own doing, which is something that’s never happened to me before. I’d try to mend fences, and I think he might forgive me, but I still can’t get past his BDSM blog. He tried to explain that it’s all about love, so I don’t know why I can’t take his word for it. After all, there are those who believe that same-sex encounters are unnatural and wrong, but I don’t think that way in the slightest. So why can I be so open-minded about that, but not about other kinds of sexual practices between consenting adults? Why, when I look at his blog (which seems to be getting more disturbing each day), do I only see the torture and exploitation of women, and not the love, or even the mutually enjoyable sex he assured me is there? I wish he had never shown me this blog. He’s still the same person he was before I knew about it, the person who was my friend, and had shown me many kindnesses. Why can’t I see that person anymore? I wonder (but would never ask) if any of his multitude of other friends know about this other side (or dare I say shade) of him, and if they do, how they manage to look beyond it. An even more difficult question is how can I still be so hot for this man? I guess it’s just denial of what I now know to be his “special needs,” which I could never meet in a million years. This is actually the only thing that makes any kind of sense, since denial is one of the stages of grief, and this whole thing grieves me. One thing I know I should do is just stop looking at the goddamn blog, but it’s the only thing I have left of him now, and that’s nobody’s fault but mine.

Nov 3

Don’t read this unless you like being bored

Two years ago, when my husband announced he was leaving me, the first words out of my mouth were, “Who’s going to want me now?” I have no idea where those words came from. They just popped out of my mouth without any kind of thought involved, as though someone else was saying them, and it kind of creeped me out. It was a valid question, though, and for a long time after that, I remained convinced I’d never be with anyone ever again. At first it was because I was feeling so rejected (despite my husband’s insistence that I’m a “great girl”), but later it morphed into the fact that I no longer have the patience for anyone close to my age or older, and “great girl” or not, I couldn’t imagine why anyone younger would ever be interested in someone like me. Then, to my surprise, I met someone younger, and we became friends. Now before the word “cougar” gets bandied about, my understanding of that term is that it implies predatory intent, and believe me, it wasn’t like that at all. We tiptoed around each other for almost a year, and then a couple of months ago he moved away. Ironically, something about the distance between us made it easier to communicate. We finally confessed our mutual desire and made plans to get together. He told me he’s into BDSM, which I’m not, but we managed to discuss it like quasi-civilized adults. He said he wouldn’t force me into anything, and tried to explain that it’s not like that. I tried to keep an open mind, and at first it seemed almost kind of liberating. But then I got confused and angry because he had led me to believe he couldn’t wait to be with me, but when he came back to town to see friends and family, he kept me waiting for days. I knew I wasn’t the main reason for his visit, but it’s not like I was offering him tea and cookies. I was offering him sex, and could only interpret his “sorry, I’ve just been so busy” excuse as a sign that either he really didn’t want me as badly as he kept saying he did, or that deliberately trying to drive me crazy was all part of the domination thing. At that point, I quickly began to realize I’d never be able to make him happy, so I bailed before anything really had a chance to happen. Part of me is proud of myself for not submitting to his control (even though he was probably my last best hope for a physical relationship of any kind), but the rest of me feels totally humiliated, and I’m not sure why. I gave up on him not so much because of anything he said or did (or didn’t do), but mainly because I knew I’d be setting myself up to fail, and I simply can’t deal with another failure right now. Was I being a coward, or looking out for myself? I think it’s the latter, so why should I feel so bad about that? I did admit I handled it badly (i.e. texting before counting to ten, abruptly deleting our online means of communication, etc.), but I’m convinced that nipping it in the bud (perhaps a poor choice of metaphor in this case) was the right thing to do. I was relieved to find out he’d been unfazed by my somewhat less than mature way of doing it, yet I feel like I’ve failed anyway. 

I don’t understand why I can’t stop beating myself up (another unfortunate metaphor) for not being able to wrap my mind around his way of thinking. The logical side of me says, "it’s not that you have a closed mind. If you really had a closed mind you would just think of him as a sick perverted fuck, but you do understand that everyone has the right to their own kinks as long as all parties are consenting. You’re not closed-minded, you just have different tastes." On the other hand, I look at some of the pictures he posts on his blog, and I can’t find a way to think of them as anything but downright disturbing. What’s worse is that I liked him so much and we were friends, and now all of that is gone because now I can only think of him as someone who enjoys subjecting women to pain and degradation (no matter how much he assures me it’s what they want). I know that everyone is reading that 50 shades of bullshit thing now, which I admit I haven’t read, because all the reputable review sources say it’s very badly written, and I don’t have time for that. They also say that the main male character really is a sick perverted fuck, so I don’t think it would improve my understanding of true BDSM. Plus, if there’s anything I’m really not into, it’s “romance” novels.

I don’t know whether all this means I do have a working amount of self-esteem after all, or precious little, and it’s bewildering the shit out of me. At my age, I should have a grip on this, but clearly I don’t. All I know is, a person is very fragile after a divorce, and just as I was beginning to see a glimmer of sunlight, it turned into something very dark, and it’s the second time this year that something that started out as such a positive step took an immediate nosedive into the abyss. (I’m referring to what happened last winter with my cat, which is an even more pathetic story that I’d rather not dredge up again.) Meanwhile, I feel like I’m losing my mind, because I don’t understand what just happened to me, and I don’t have anyone in my non-Vicky life I can confide in about things like this. A few months ago, I was talking with another divorced woman about whether or not I’d as yet “moved on.” I told her I believed I had, but then she argued, “Well then, who are you seeing?” I remember feeling a little offended by her insistence that “moving on” has to involve “seeing” someone. Is it too old-school feminist to wonder why a woman can’t move on by herself? During the cat thing I was going to a psychologist, who was a very nice person, but he didn’t help me at all. He too seemed to feel that “seeing” someone would be the cure for all that ailed me, and struggled to find a professional way of telling me I just needed to get laid. I’m not saying he was wrong, but again I felt a little insulted. The worst part of all is that, in the grand scheme of life, and even in just the grand scheme of sex, these are not real problems. So I feel guilty for complaining, and that is a problem. Anyway, I’m not looking for love, or for any kind of serious relationship. I don’t believe in those things, I’m too independent, and I don’t have the patience. All I want is a friend with benefits, but I’m not getting any younger, and I’ve never been good with those feminine wiles. Yet as desperate as I am, and as casual as I need it to be, I won’t fuck just anyone, and I’d rather die than do the online dating thing. As humiliated as I feel right now, I can’t imagine anything more humiliating than that. So instead, I blog. 

So, are you bored? Don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you made it this far, maybe you’re one of those masochists and can explain that to me. I still don’t get it.